I’ve just finished watching a 60 Minutes Australia segment on YouTube called “The Women Who Are Turning Grey Into The New Black.” Everything in that short yet powerful segment absolutely resonated with Philosoxy and the values and beliefs The PHx has. I definitely recommend watching it.
What brought me to writing out my thoughts though, was when Paulina Porizkova said, “I've aged out of being attractive.” WTF??!! If she feels aged out of attractiveness, what hope do the rest of us have?
I decided to mull this over and allowed it to take up free rent space in my head for a day.
The next day…
A million questions flooded my mind, not just for me, but for you too.
It’s true that in our current culture we most definitely ‘age out of being attractive,” hell, I’m in that space right now. I’m no longer looking youthful and attractive. My body is changing with perimenopause, I’m a little more emotional than I used to be and my brain is getting foggy from time to time. Does this make me feel hot? Abso-friggin-lutely not!! But, does it actually mean that my beauty is eroding? Does the fact that I’m no longer turning heads mean that I’m unattractive?
I know I’m not the only one feeling this, all we need to do is look around and see how many women are trying to fix this internal grappling through their incessant screwing around with their faces.
So, what’s the real issue here? Why are we all feeling this way as we hit our invisible mark, or birthday year that determines our official beauty destruction? What’s the real problem?
Simply put, it’s that Paulina, and you and me, feel unattractive and legitimately believe we are unattractive because we’re getting older.
I know where your head is going…”it’s because of the beauty standards in our society…. Blah blah blah”. Yes, in part, however, and I mean no disrespect when I say this but…I'm really bloody tired of hearing this phrase. It’s so easy to take the route of all the current wellness and body positivity movements and blame our cultural definitions of words and the movie / fashion industry for being ageist, thin-loving, misogynist pricks. That’s the same old boring excuse for not wanting to do the work.
It’s a well known fact that you fundamentally can’t change anyone. So what is the alternative and the most effective way of navigating this world of beauty?
You must venture inward. The most important thing to do here is to understand your beliefs.
Let’s do some PHx’ing that doesn’t have to do with changing the external world:
So if the problem is that we don’t feel attractive because we’re getting older. Let me ask you: what is the feeling of ‘attractiveness?”
Attractiveness is simply a feeling of being desired. We want to feel attractive because feeling desired feels good. It’s good for our ego and self esteem. I get that, we all want to feel that.
My next question would be, by whom then? Who do you want to be desired by?
…pregnant pause…
I know, you don't want to say everyone because that sounds completely unrealistic, and it is? So you might filter your answer by saying hot young men. Truth is, a hot young man, unless he has a MILF fetish, is typically not going to be desiring a 45+ year old woman. That’s not a personal attack, that’s just a relative fact. He’ll be turning to women within a 5 year frame of his own age, either up or down.
And finally, why is it you need these people to desire you?
After answering those three questions, you may realize that the answers you thought were valid were in fact a little frivolous. If you continue digging, and asking similar questions, you’ll soon discover that…
The only person you’ve ever wanted approval from has been yourself.
Give yourself permission to be approved by you. 💖
You want to love yourself unconditionally, you want to laugh and be free and joyful and not care about what anyone thinks. That’s the truth. Because when you are in that space of clarity and love for yourself, you inevitably find yourself not caring who approves of how hot you are or aren't because you feel wonderful. You feel empowered, you feel beautiful, you feel free…no matter how old you are.
Your Recipe to Free:
Grab a journal or any piece of paper and pen and ask yourself these questions:
What makes me feel attractive? (For example Me: When I am grounded and am in a headspace of appreciation of self….and when I’m ovulating and super aroused)
Who do I want to be desired by? (Rhysand and Cassian from ACOTAR)
Why do I want them to desire me…aka, approve of me? (Because they’re hot AF and if they were real I’ll want to bed them)
If I didn’t get their approval, could I survive? (Of course…not)
What can I do to approve of myself? (Train like Nesta and Feyre and become an immortal Fae)
(My examples are shit and do not follow them, but they made me giggle and I had to write them down for any other ACOTAR fans. I’m an intrinsically silly person so my first thought will always take me to a place of lightness. I then begin the phase of brain excavation.)
Also, when redoing the exercise without my commentary, try staying within a realistic headspace, for example, if you say “being 36 makes me feel attractive but you’re 63, this is not a realistic reframe, unless of course you have a time machine and then…that is a totally different conversation.
Now, try that exercise again without my examples:
What makes me feel attractive?
Who do I want to be desired by?
Why do I want them to desire me…aka, approve of me?
If I didn’t get their approval, could I survive?
What can I do to approve of myself?
This is a simple exercise to gain insight as to what your beliefs are. The beauty found in this exercise is that when you bring these beliefs to the surface (or consciousness), they are easier to work with. You can now begin the process of healing those beliefs.
At the end of the day, you will realize that the truth is a simple one: we’ve all been conditioned to seek validation from our external world. When we do that we will intrinsically feel cheated, we’ll be angry at those that created those invisible rules and definitions and we’ll hold a grudge about who we are, where we are, and what we are. We will not feel beautiful with that mind perspective.
I implore you my dear and beautiful friend, don’t spend any more time on that shit and ask yourself thought provoking questions. Questions that lead you to making friends with yourself. Because when you are truly in a space of friendship and acceptance of who you are - the bad parts, the good parts and the old parts, nothing really erodes, specifically your beauty. Your beauty when accessed from deep within, will not fade with time, it will only grow. And when you’re there, that special someone will find you THE. MOST. ATTRACTIVE women they have ever known, to which you will say in a sexy confident way:
I knew that already, thank you. ✨
Stay beautiful…just as you are...every year older, every year wiser.
Xo
A
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